NINA LAWRENCE: The following match is our MAIN EVE-
Before Nina can finish MGK’s “Loco” ghits, the crowd instantly knows who it is as LCP makes his way out. He throws up a shit eating grin and starts to make his way down to the ring as Nina looks confused and starts yelling at the production assistant who just shrugs.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Yo, why is LCP comin this way?
GREYSON MARKS: I think…he might be coming to join us on commentary?...he really is letting the power go to his head…
LINCOLN PHELPS: His job is to make this place better Grayson, and more entertaining…and considering how dry you can be on commentary mate I think this is a great idea..
GREYSON MARKS: Dry?...
LINCOLN PHELPS: Dry as Stormy Daniels cooch when she was propositioned by Trump…
GREYSON MARKS: …..oh jesus we’re gonna get fired…
LCP puts on his headset and sits down next to Lincoln before fist bumping him and nodding at Grayson.
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: Heeeey guys, hope you don’t mind me crashing this shindig.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Well I don’t but…he has an issue with it…
GREYSON MARKS: I do-
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: Oh really Gray?....whats up with that huh? You don’t think I’m qualified to announce and commentate? I’ll have you know I was the first choice for CBS when they needed an analyst and commentator for their NFL coverage team..but I got usurped by Tony Romo….
GREYSON MARKS: I….you…ok…
NINA LAWRENCE: Our following match is our MAIN EVENT…Introducing first
Suddenly the lights in the The House of Blues go out, plunging the Florida fans into darkness. A lit fuze sizzles across the video screen, leading to an explosion of pyro around the entrance stage. The sound of a gunshot and a car peeling out, then the opening guitar riff for No Resolve’s “UNKILLABLE” shred across the PA speakers.
I MET THE DEVIL
HE WANTED ME DEAD
BUT INSTEAD
I PUT A MOTHERFUCKIN’
BULLET IN HIS HEAD
YEAH!
Dane Preston's silhouette can be seen slowly coming through the curtains as he steps out onto the stage. Nodding his masked head to the beat of the music, he extends an arm in front of him, the other behind him as he struts down the ramp. A single spotlight shines down on the six foot, three inch, two hundred and fifty-five pound fighter as he slowly stalks his way to the ring, clad in a sleeveless leather duster.
YOU BROKE ME DOWN, THE CUTS AND THE BRUISES
I HOLD THE KNIFE NOW, I'M CUTTING MY NOOSES
I WEAR THE BLOOD STAINS LIKE BADGES OF HONOR
I'LL TAKE EVERY BULLET BECAUSE I'M A SURVIVOR
BITCH!
After scaling the ring steps, Preston slowly snaps his head from side to side before climbing into the ring and shrugging off his duster. He makes his way to his corner and climbs to the second rope where he points finger guns at the fans before snatching his mask off his head and throwing it out to them. Hopping down, Dane squats in the corner, arms outstretched as he grips the second rope with both hands awaiting his opponent.
NINA LAWRENCE: Standing 6’3 and weighing in at 255 pounds from Manhatten New York City…..DANE F’N PRESTON!
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: yaaaay he’s here…
"Aw fuck you can't even sing. Ya gotta sing to get some pussy."
The Richard Pryor quote followed by the piano intro of ‘Shimmy Shimmy Ya’ plays and Allen emerges from the curtain.
‘Ooh, baby, I like it raw
Yeah baby, I like it raw
Ooh, baby, I like it raw
Yeah baby, I like it raw
Shimmy shimmy ya, shimmy yam, shimmy yay
Gimme the mic so I can take it away
Off on a natural charge, bon voyage
Yeah, from the home of the Dodgers, Brooklyn squad’
Allen stops and looks around the crowd with a bit of a smirk until suddenly there is a change and attitude. He suddenly leans down to slam his fists on the ramp before popping back up to release what can only be described as a roar.
‘Wu-Tang Killer Bees on a swarm
Rain on ya college ass, disco dorm
For you to even touch my skill
You gotta have the one killer Bee and he ain't gonna kill now
Chop that down, pass it all around
Lyrics get hard, quick cement to the ground
For any MC in any 52 states
I get psycho killer, Norman Bates
My producer slam, flow is like bam
Jump on stage and then I get down’
Allen makes his way down the ramp and stop every few steps to talk to the fans about how his opponent for the night has no clue what their in for or about how they smell like baked milk or about how he saw them changing in the backstage area and one of their testicles is comically bigger than the other.
‘Ooh, baby, I like it raw
Yeah baby, I like it raw
Ooh, baby, I like it raw
Yeah baby, I like it raw’
Allen marches up the ring steps and enters the ring through the middle and top ropes, giving the referee a friendly pat on the back before going to his corner and sitting down, on the middle turnbuckle, focused but also kind of vibing to his own entrance theme.
NINA LAWRENCE: And his opponent, standing 6’4 and weighing in at 315 pounds, from Kansas City Missouri….he is the Pro Wrestling Excellence Champion….THE COMEDIAN ALLEN CHANEY!
DING DING DING!
And with that the bell rings and the match begins. Dane stares daggers at LCP, Allen bounces on the balls of his feet before turning to see LCP sitting there, he then turns back to Dane and slowly slides himself in between Dane and LCP so Dane pays attention to him. Dane shakes his head looking more annoyed than anything. Allen puts his finger up and tells Dane to “wait right there” He slides from the ring and gets out to the floor where LCP sits back and kicks his legs up on the announce desk.
ALLEN CHANEY(off mic): What are you doing man?...I have a match right now…do you see that?
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: Yeah I do…now go kick his ass Allen…go on man do your thing…
Allen looks confused, looks back in the ring at Dane then back at LSP who claps his hands and gets the fans riled up to cheer FOR Allen. Allen has much confusion, very wow.
ALLEN CHANEY(off mic): What is this…what are you doing?..are we friends now?
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: No….I just hate him more than you right now…
ALLEN CHANEY (Off mic): Ok well, we should form a posse, Bill, Ollie, you and me we can hang yeah?
Before LCP can answer Allen turns and slides back in the ring and to get face to face with Dane, who is looking increasingly more annoyed about this entire situation. He losses his shit and blasts Allen with a right hand. Allen steps back and hits Dane back and the two erupt in hard right hands. Back and forth the two fight like a hockey fight. Allen blocks a right hand and fires one of his own back at Dane, Dane stumbles back and Allen grabs him by the wrist whipping him into the corner, he follows Dan in and goes for a fat guy splash, Dane gets out of the way and Allen crashes chest first onto the top turnbuckle, Dane hits the ropes and measures Allen up for a lariat, Allen ducks it and turns hitting a clothesline of his own taking Dane and himself over the top rope to the floor cactus jack style.
GREYSON MARKS: These two have wasted no time in throwing hands and beating the hell out of each other.
LINCOLN PHELPS: Allen Chaney was a star in season one, many would say the breakout star, and before we were forced to haver a break it looked like we were getting Allen and Vhodka one on one, and many think Allen would have won.
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: Speaking as someone who went to war with that fat fu-....chubby gentleman…I could see him doing it…and honestly to all the ladies out there, that is what a male in peak physical fitness looks like…anyone want to get Arbys?
Allen grabs Dane and runs him around slamming him head first on the announce desk. LCP claps his hands and nods giving Allen a thumbs up, Allen makes a confused face again and shakes his head, the momentary distraction allows Dane to shake his head and first off a right hand blasting Allen and then throwing him head first into the announce desk, Dane grabs Allen and rolls him back into the ring, Dane looks over his shoulder at LCP and shakes his head getting back in.
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: Man Dane really needs to pay attention, he’s in there with the current PWE World champion….
LINCOLN PHELPS: I mean….yes…but you’re out here…so
GREYSON MARKS: And he’s distracting them both….
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: EXXXCUUUUSE me?
Dane runs and jumps hitting a running knee to Allen as Allen gets to a vertical base sending him back down, Dane then looks over at the ropes and starts to climb calling for his elbow drop the “From the nosebleeds” but as he does he makes the mistake of looking over at LCP, Allen pulls himself up and leans on the top rope shaking it, Dane loses his footing and falls from the top rope crocheting himself! The crowd oops and Allen stops looking at Dane and empathizes with what Dane just went through. He pulls Dane down off the top rope and hits an STO, he then steps back and hits a corner slingshot splash before hooking the leg.
ONE
TWO
Dane kicks out.
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: HEY REF…REF…THAT WAS THREE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?...LEARN TO COUNT OR I WILL FIRE YOU
GREYSON MARKS: I don’t think he can do that….
LINCOLN PHELPS: Yeah…mate I think thats a step too far….
Allen calls for the heckler control, Dane starts to move, Allen runs forward and jumps but Dane slides his body back, Allen stomps his foot on the mat and Dane gets to his feet and leaps in the air grabbing Allen with a paradigm shift neckbreaker. The back of Allens head hits the mat and Dane sits up needing a breather. He starts to get to his feet and stands back calling for Allen to get up, as Allen does Dane grabs him for the Redline, Allen blocks it and elbows Dane in the side of the head, Dane stumbles to the ropes, LCP laughs and points at Dane who sneers at him, Dane turns around and gets blasted with a Superkick!. Dane goes down and Allen covers.
ONE
TWO
Dane kicks out.
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: Man that would have been embarrassing huh? Getting beat by his own move…
LINCOLN PHELPS: Well I mean….Allen uses that move but Dane whips him into the ropes….for added leverage.
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: Man…Linc you used to be cool….why are you pointing this out?....I think I prefer Grayson now…
GREYSON MARKS: ….Well don’t I feel like the belle of the ball?
Allen pulls Dane up and goes for the Punchline but Dane is able to reach out and grab the top rope to stop Allen from lifting him, Dane throws his elbow back connecting with Allen. He then turns and tries to blast Allen with a superkick, Allen moves to the side and rolls Dane up.
ONE
TWO
THREE!
LEWIS CHAD PINKSTON: HAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT DANE HAHAHAHAHAHA
NINA LAWRENCE: Here is your winner, the PWE world champion…ALLLLEN CHANEY!
As the focus of the night fixates back onto the Excellence Champion, an odd tension fills the air as the show doesn’t go off air. Smarter fans look about, noting what else could possibly happen. Yet, those in the know, those who have paid attention, understand what should come forward. As the camera trains on Allen, a hush falls over.
Allen seems to realize this feeling hanging over everything and heads over to one of the turnbuckles and hops up to just take a seat and wait, almost a look of eagerness on his face. Like a fat kid on Christmas morning. He knew cameras were still on him. He turns to one of the cameramen. He’s far enough away that we can only barely hear what he says.
ALLEN CHANEY: Why we still filmin, huh?
The lights go out, leading to “Though Our Paths May Diverge” starting. As the spotlight on the stage shines, so does the appearance of the former Pro Wrestling Excellence Champion, Damian Ayla. He stares down towards the ring, making his way there with a respectful pace. Clad in a black suit, looking every bit of the pastoral monster he was prior, he enters without his gaze dropping from his rival. The spotlight stalks him to where he stands, only a few feet away from Allen. He lifts his hand, bringing up the lights, and when he drops it, his theme fades out. Despite their excitement, the crowd gives the two men the respect not to cheer loudly.
Damian takes the necessary steps forward to size up Allen. His stoicness remains steadfast. Allen hops down from the turnbuckle and there is a strong possibility that we have never seen Allen smiling as huge and genuinely as he is right now. He looks Damin up and down before locking eyes with him.
ALLEN CHANEY: You get all dressed up for little old me?
The former champion purses his lips and shakes his head.
DAMIAN AYLA: You should know better than that. This is casual wear for me.
ALLEN CHANEY: I guess it’s just been a while then. How are things? How’s the wife? Everything going good with the bun in the oven?
There’s a genuine air of friendliness in Allen’s voice. The audience is….confused. Even more to their confusion, Damian lets a smile dawn on his face. He nods his head and shrugs.
DAMIAN AYLA: Good as she can be. It’s kinda nice to get out of the house.
He lets out a sigh before Allen responds.
ALLEN CHANEY: That’s great to hear, dude. You gonna take the jacket off or you ready right now?
Damian puts up a finger, asking for a brief moment as he shreds off the jacket. He takes the extra time to drape it over the ropes. He even indicates to the nearest stagehand that they should call security. Allen leans to look at them past Damian and nods in agreement, taking a moment to roll his neck.
And thus ends the pleasantries and the crowd goes wild as the two go to blows immediately after. Security expels from backstage, swiftly coming in to stop the two of them from fighting. The crowd jeers at the interruption as both men are taken away from one another. Damian points at the championship and mouths something about the title has a home it’s coming back to. Allen still just has the biggest smile on his face, pure joy radiating from him even with a split lip. The camera checks in on the effort for Damian, taking him away with a bloody nose. The show credits follow through along with a chant about “LET THEM FIGHT” sparking up.